Once again, my chapter summaries are in no way a replacement for actually purchasing and reading the book Say Goodbye To Crazy. Go onto Amazon and purchase it to read for yourself alongside my summaries to be part of the discussion.
Chapter two covers the many forms of Crazy… Golden Uterus complex, leech, vampire, narcissist, control freak, psycho, etc. Above all, crazy can be covered with The Fearsome Foursome:
- Victim Identity
- Control Freakery
- Emotional Reasoning
This one hit home for me. BM in our situation LOVES to play the victim. She will go as far as to tell YOU the story of the time YOU did something hurtful to get sympathy from YOU for something she did! It’s completely insane and something normal people just don’t do! The sad fact is, IT WORKS! How does this work?
Simply put, its the sheer emotion that she uses as her weapon of choice here. It’s how she can convince a judge, teacher, mediator, and even children that SHE is the one being wronged. It’s how she can find a way to take from EVERYONE and give nothing to society because she is poor victim. Anyone that doesn’t give her what she wants (and when she wants it) is just another source for her to be the victim. All the victim has to do is turn on the water works and to the normal, rational brain… the AMOUNT of emotion is enough to convince many people that she MUST be really hurt in order for her to feel that way. It’s all a clever ploy that she builds upon and builds upon until it no longer works.
The victim will use any scenario imaginable to gain sympathy to get her way. Case in point: HCBM told her husband number three that she was pregnant after she lost her job and they got a divorce. He sent her $500 for an abortion. She was never pregnant to begin with, but when she realized that he wanted to abort their child, she used it as guilt to get him to send her more money and “take care of her”. She used her own victim identity to gain more sympathy from someone she was making HER victim. Did you follow that?
Additionally, if you want to be accused of victimizing the victim, just do one of the following:
– Call her on her crap
– Tell her no
– Stop letting her abuse you
– Erect and inforce boundaries
– Deliver on natural consequences for her bad behaviors
In short, the victim is rarely the actual victim. She is often the aggressor and her ability to manipulate her emotions to manipulate others emotions is her weapon. It’s all just to obtain the sympathy needed to further manipulate for the things she wants. It’s hard to follow unless you’ve experienced someone like this.
The “you owe me” attitude comes in many forms. We mostly see it with spoiled children. With an entitled high conflict birth mother, you’ll see it in the form of “You left me, therefore it’s your job to take care of me!”. There are many tools in her tool box to play with this. She can use any previous indiscretions in the marriage, the children, the new wife, money, courts, you name it! The problem with an entitlement complex in a crazy ex wife is the same that arises with a child. If the child throws a fit for the new iPhone, MacBook, car, video game system, etc. and you give in, you’re only teaching the spoiled child that causing a scene will only help them get their way! With a HCBM, she will use these same tactics to get her way, except it’s not usually just money. She will threaten to make accusations, revoke visitation from the children, or even sue you to get what she wants. If you allow her to scare you with these tactics to get her way, you are only enforcing the negative behavior by rewarding the threats. For an entitled mentality, the only way you can deal is to deny them their wishes when they are outside the realm of sanity. It is not fair and you are not an ATM or a savior. That’s not your job! You have to let them realize on their own that they do not deserve what they think they do. That’s not how adulting works!
As you can guess, control freakery is simply the act of trying to control everything. This is often the tactic many high conflict people use to make sure that all of their little puppets are remaining their puppets. To most people, you accept that you cannot control what other people do or say, you can only control how you react and act in a situation. For the Control Freak, they become outraged when they have no control of what other people do, say, and even THINK! They will plant ideas in the heads of the children, family, friends, and mediators of the family situation in order to gain and keep the control. You’ll also see a lot of threats for court orders and withholding if you do not give them their way here because not getting their way takes away the control they desperately need to maintain the upper hand in their own mind. Control Freaks need to have the control in order to orchestrate their grand plan. Once they lose the control, they can no longer feed the information of their choosing to the people of their choosing to accomplish whatever agenda they have.
Emotional reasoning is something most of us do, to a point. We justify that we work so many hours because we need to be excellent providers. We stick it out with a man we love who has a crazy ex because we love them and its our duty to remain the logical light at the end of the crazy tunnel.
For a HCBM, they don’t have the normal amount of emotional reasoning that assists in making correct and moral decisions. It is beyond justifying why you purchased the shoes you can’t afford. A HCBM will change the facts in her own mind to fit her own agenda.
Example: My step sons mom was put in jail last night for drinking and driving. She just left her dads house and has a poor relationship with her step mother. BM was already drunk when she arrived at her parents house and left within 15 minutes of being there. On her way back home, she was caught driving under the influence and taken to jail. Instead of spending that time thinking that it’s dangerous to drink and drive and realizing she put herself into this shit hole of a situation, she blames her own step mother for arguing with her and making her leave to go home. In BM’s eyes, had she of stayed just a few more minutes, she would have missed the cop that pulled her over, wouldn’t have had to take the blood alcohol test, and thus avoided jail time and another DUI on her record.
Another example is your husband is meeting the ex to pick up the kids for visitation. He is a few minutes late because of Friday rush hour traffic. Instead of accepting that rush hour traffic is an actual thing, her emotional reasoning for him being late is he doesn’t care and is a deadbeat. She at that point withholds the visitation to punish your husband for being late because she wants evidence to the court that he is a bad father. Does this sound familiar?
One of the most ridiculous examples I have experienced personally with this is was shortly after my husband and I got married, Crazy and I were trying to be civil and she actually said to me “I can see why he fell for you. You look like I did when I was younger and we were in love.” uhmmm… what? No, ma’am! I look NOTHING like you! We are not at all alike as people! She couldn’t figure out WHY her ex had decided after 12 years to remarry, so she justified it to fit HER agenda… aka, he couldn’t have loved me if I didn’t remind him of her, right? I know this isn’t logical thinking… it’s actually fucking CRAZY! But, that is the exact thinking of Emotional Reasoning Crazy!
– You cannot fix what ever Crazy’s motivation is or what drives her.
– The Fearsome Foursome are the forces that drive Crazy – and you cannot change them or fix them!
– It’s normal and healthy to fear the destructive power of Crazy and the threats she makes.
– Crazy must always, ALWAYS feel like she is winning. Not just winning, but make you the loser! She wants you to suffer. We must accept that this is how she thinks!
– You cannot get along, work with, change, or negotiate with crazy! It will never work long term. You are just a tool or a puppet to Crazy. You are one of the people who have wronged her, in her own mind. The only thing you can do is set up boundaries to keep her away.
Again, please pick up the book! There is so much good stuff in this chapter that brings a lot of clarity and understanding. The goal isn’t to understand to fix, but to understand to know how to respond. Understand to protect you and your family from Crazy!