Chapter 1 of Say Goodbye to Crazy breaks down the difference between the normal emotions of divorce and the grieving process compared to those who are crazy dealing with the same issue. This blog is in no way a replacement for actually PURCHASING the book and reading it for yourself. Seriously, get on Amazon right now and download it!
For those who have been through divorce, it is definitely a grieving process. You’re loosing the person that you have built a life with, have children with, purchased a home with, and had many of your firsts with. It’s certainly painful.
For most people the grieving process is as follows:
- Shock/Denial – not believing the divorce is actually happening
- Anger – Exactly as it says… being angry that it didn’t work out. Even becoming angry at your partner (now ex partner) or yourself
- Bargaining – Doing whatever you can to try and fix it. Offer to build a better future, try to right the wrongs, offer some type of gift to the ex to rebuild and try again.
- Sadness/ Depression -Again, exactly as it sounds. You’re sad and depressed about the whole thing. Self doubt hits and you’re just sad about it. You’ve failed.
- Acceptance – Getting back together isn’t going to happen. You’ve learned to accept that you have a future now. Most people celebrate their freedom at this point.
This is how Crazy processes divorce:
- Shock/ Denial – It didn’t happen! This is just a phase! He will come back around!
- Anger – Like normal divorce anger, except they want the ex to pay. In my case, this is where HCBM in my situation took root…
- Anger – Instead of bargaining, Crazy wants revenge! This is where you see a lot of property destruction and bullshit court orders being filed. You may also see a lot of offer for “trade” here… such as offering to sleep with the ex to get him back or even pull him away from you. In my case, HCBM actually convinced herself that AFTER me and my husband got married, he was still in love with her.
- Anger – The rabbit hole only falls deeper. Spreading lies (dangerous lies and accusations), spreading rumors to friends and family, convincing herself that she is right and anyone that has hurt her is WRONG and needs to pay.
- Anger – Acceptance will never be found here… just a constant stream of anger that recycles, repeats, and never ends… for my husband, its been nearly 15 years and she is STILL angry.
At this point in the chapter, the book states that Crazy is unable to move out of anger because it hurts more than being angry does. She has convinced all of the friends and family that her ex (your husband) is a HORRIBLE person because it fits her agenda. The fact that you have developed a relationship, marriage, and children with the man that she couldn’t make it work with goes against her very being of existence because it undermines the reputation she has built for herself and her ex of she is good guy, he is bad guy. The fact that you can make it work with the man that left her fuels the outrage and Crazy’s crazy because it goes against her one woman show of what she wants everyone else to believe and think. She hates him and you and everything in between because SHE couldn’t make it work.
This chapter also states point blank that it is impossible to reason with this type of person. Crazies have no interest in peace because it does nothing for their gain. Proof that they will cut off their nose to save their face is everywhere and you CANNOT allow yourself to succumb to Crazy. We have all made this mistake, I’m sure. We want to FIX crazy and help her move on, but it will never happen and its not our place. It is hers and hers alone.
Every chapter in this book gives Takeaways:
- Crazy is incapable of the normal grieving process and will always be stuck in Anger… indefinitely
- No one can help crazy out of her anger. She chooses to be angry and doesn’t want to move on. No one can help with this. Not a lawyer, police, your spouse, yourself… NO ONE except herself. Anything outside of anger and within the normal grieving process is too hurtful and outside of her realm of emotion.
- The ONLY thing you can do is protect yourself and your family from Crazy
- Crazy is not part of your family and you should never give her a place there.
What takeaways did you have from this chapter? Do you relate? Let me know in the comments!
Step Mommy Dearest